To Buy by Jane Liddle

toothpaste (peroxide extra-whitening hyper-total care), whitening capsules (double parsley),
mouth wash (fresh ice), shaving cream (supreme lather), razors (octo-blade), body wash
(calming white tea), body polish (milk and honey sand), body lotion (coconut breeze), hand
cream (soothing citrus), shampoo (volumizing revolution), conditioner (tangle zapper), sealer
(heavenly shine), frizz control (devil tamer), dry shampoo (morning-after prep), SPF lotion
(ozone begone), spray tan (summer hug), foundation that matches the spray tan on back (fool-
you photoshop in perfect toast), primer (blank canvas), foundation for face (extreme sweep in
untreated wood), powder (shine-off, shine-off in cream-in-coffee), bronzer (postman honey),
blush (spanked baby), eyelash extensions (eight-mile-long charm), mascara (pagan black),
highlighter (spotlight glitter), lip pencil (apple queen), lipstick (up-all-night chat), nail polish
(cranberry fields), top-coat nail polish (anti-chip diamond), toe nail polish (urban extravaganza),
makeup remover (chase-the-day away), face wash (triple-action squeak), toner (soothing
martini), moisturizer (unconditional love), anti-aging cream (DeLorean road trip), anti-wrinkle
serum (fountain of morning dew), night cream (vampire bite), deodorant (just-say-no to
sweatness), tampons (super-absorbent cumulus), seamless underwear (invisi-lines), bra (any way
three-way), silicone nipple coverings (breast-kept secrets), boob tape (tape yoself), stiletto boots
(skyscraper), in black (caviar nightmare), Band-Aids for blisters (barely here nor there), leather
jacket (dual bomber), black jeans (true skinny), matchmaker (fairy-tale realness service),
wedding (snowflake cruise with Duchess of Cambridge upgrade), sex coach (anti-hysteric
uninhibitation trainer), aromatherapy candle (holidays at Grandma’s), antianxiety medicine
(lavender blanket), antidepressants (California sparkle), muscle relaxers (Chinatown walk-in),
pain relievers (wine kiss), sleep aids (wine fuck), stimulants (sunshine jolt), workout classes
(intragrated yoga), appetite suppressants (evermore satisfiers), metabolism increasers (bikini
boosters), couples therapy (Romeo and Juliet retreat), individual therapy (the twelve-point, six-
month personality recalibrate), spiritual therapy (naked enlightenment), detox program (spic-
and-span new-you plan), family therapy (nuclearize it!), money manager (budget bluster), job
assessment (career sharp-shooter), rehab (every time’s a charm getaway), retirement plan (not-
just-golf family complex), wake (post-death pre-party), funeral (best day of your afterlife
package), cremation urn (peace-at-last in blue sky)


Jane Liddle waited at school bus stops in Newburgh, NY, learned to drive on the north shore of Massachusetts, stayed up all night in Pittsburgh, and now reads and writes in Brooklyn. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Wigleaf, WhiskeyPaper, Monkeybicycle, alice blue, Thrice Fiction, and elsewhere. You can find her at or on Twitter @janeriddle.

Jane Liddle’s story, “The Agenda Futility,” was published in Two Serious Ladies in January 2013.