Two Serious Ladies is a small online magazine to promote writing and art by women.

The magazine was created in 2012 by Lauren Spohrer, who regrets how slowly she responds to submissions.

It’s named for the 1943 short novel by Jane Bowles. The novel contains the line:

“I wanted to be a religious leader when I was young and now I just reside in my house and try not to be too unhappy.” 


"Hair-pulling"by Diana Hamilton

I pulled out my hair, chewed, then ate it.     I punish myself.     Like I don’t know ‘big’ words and just other things.     My bedframe is made of very soft wood and you can see hundreds of bite marks in the headboard.     If I’m running real fast, I can feel wind rushing past me.     If I get punched then I feel the pain.     If I receive a kiss, I can feel the warmth. Etc.     My baby arches her back and throws herself backward when she’s upset.     My baby stares at her hands.     I really like the gothic girls’ look and the men’s look is quite cool too, and I thought I might become a goth but I researched the music and it’s boring, it makes me fall asleep really.     I suffer from panic attacks and loose stools.     Almost all women love having their beautiful hair pulled.     Until there’s literally nothing left.     No teacher was talking to me. I had one nipple light and the other slightly darker.     I had put my head down but one teacher he pulled my hair, slapped me and said I was a dog.     I have noticed a bad urine smell recently.     My baby tugs on his penis.     I have noticed that there are some particles in my urine.     My baby crawls backwards. My urine is a very pale yellow-green sometimes after I take a multivitamin.     The only time I’m happy is when I’m drunk in a club.     Take a step back now.   Ask yourself how you, or most people, learn about their partners’ sexual preferences, likes, dislikes and boundaries. I went over to sleep next to my best friend (we argued and didn’t talk for 3 weeks but we made up) I put my hand over his stomach and rested my head on his back (his back was in front of me)(I hugged him) I wasn’t able to sleep so relaxed and fake sleeped and had my eyes closed the whole time I didn’t know if he slept though, he shortly put his palm on top of mine and held my hand tightly and kept me close to him, then he put both his feet on top of mine (basically foot hugging like my leg slipped into his and both of his legs hugged it).     My baby sleeps with her eyes open.   My urine smells like the products I’m drinking.     I drink coffee and it has a coffee odor, I drink soda and it smells like the soda.     I feel aroused when I’m breastfeeding.     Most people remember my birthday two weeks after it’s gone.     I like having my hair pulled lightly and don’t mind people pulling my hair hard. I have a friend who likes having her hair pulled lightly, but not hard.     But when swimming, me, my parents, sister, and brothers always got in the pool naked.      I have heard of lots of people like this, but never a person like me.     I love listening to people’s heart and I use my dog as a pillow a lot so I can listen to his heartbeat.   My school year kept on going in my mind when school let out for the summer. Then he turned his face to mine. Let me clarify that I don’t like it when one pulls just a few hairs, it has to be many hairs.     Kind of like holding the mane of a horse while riding another coworker who pulls my hair.     His face was a bit far but he kept positioning his face close to mine as if he wanted to kiss me, his lips were a very few inches away from mine I could almost say he kissed me but he didn’t, my heart was beating like a humming bird.     Now it all started when I was younger and I thought a boy liked me just as much as I liked him.   Teenage boys adjust their privates in public.     So to my defense, I kicked him back, pushed him back.   He stayed like that for a few minutes then he turned his back at me then slept. My friend spends 5 minutes a day drinking the warm water in the shower and gets most of her daily hydration requirements from this.     In the mornings, my pigeons just head over to the small bushes in my garden and start pecking and eating parts of the leaves.     My Siamese has been drooling lately.     10 mins later he woke up.     I woke up like 10 mins later.     Now we have broken up a while ago but I still like to wear his shirt cause its big and comfy and I like it.     Sperm comes out of my vagina after making love.     From that moment on he started becoming strange afterwards.     In the night he wakes up and pulls my hair to get himself back to sleep.     Just wondering if it is a sign he is into some type of pain pleasure (which I am not).     Like he doesn’t look me in the eye as much and doesn’t answer me quite often or look at me.     When I was about 12 I used to pull my hair out strand by strand until I got a bald spot and kids started making fun of me.     My gums bleed when I brush my teeth.     My eye color changes every so often.     We used to talk normally and he used to look at me in the eye, but after this incident I don’t know what happened.     I can pull quite a bit of my hair out and not feel pain.     My stomach growls as soon as I see food.     A woman holds pent up negative passion in her fanny.     Just the same pain as if I’m pulling a single hair out, but I can pull out 30 maybe 40 at a time.     You do not feel pregnant, but you are.     Your dog tries to eat grass.     They also say you normally lose 100-200 hair a day, but I don’t.     I lose about 7-8 every time I brush it, so that’s about 100 per week, give or take.     I pull her hair, then push her away from me, then roughly dry hump her again.     She tends to pull her hair when I’m not around. I didn’t really get it and refused to do it.     I don’t see how you could get pleasure from it, but just in case, stop doing that.     You get bored during your pregnancy.     Dogs sometimes eat grass.     One grows hair on one’s penis. Someone else’s cat visits you twice a month.     A preschooler writes backwards. Do not use barrettes unless really necessary.     Do not use elastic bands to pull your hair back.     Do not wear a pony tail every day.     Do not pull your hair tightly.     Use a soft scrunchy, ribbon or light clasp.     Run your hand up the back of her neck, your fingers spread out, palm flat on her head and slide your hand up through the hair so you have a bunch of hair running through your fingers.     Pull your hand away about an inch from her head, then grip.  

Diana Hamilton’s first book, Okay, Okay is forthcoming from Truck Books.

"Topology"by Amanda Shapiro

"My Dead Parents"Anonymous